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The Secret Place

"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty." 
Psalm 91:1.

I've noticed through the years, I've had less highs and lows as I've settled myself in the Scriptures. In a metaphor of a storm, when the wind blows, my house is not easily shaken. It takes a lot to move me from ground zero, because I have learned through tears, frustrations and waiting that if I stay with God, he will bring me through on the other side. 

Yet over the past few weeks, my world has been shaken. My understanding has been challenged and through many hundreds thousands of shed tears, I still sit without understanding. Yet, the only peace I have is sitting in the secret place with God, praying, weeping, praying, reading, and learning to trust on and lean on him when my faith has been shaken. 

It's taken me a few weeks to write this, partially because I needed to process, to cry and to scream and yell and sob and have just ugly, ugly moments with God, to wrestle with him and sit and stay at his feet. Even as I write this, I am still struggling and I think it will be a process of grief and walking it out with him. 

On June 24th, one of my dearest friends miscarried at 14 weeks. It had a been a week long process of going to the emergency room several times, seeing great reports on the ultrasounds, watching the beautiful life inside her doing spins and kicking, great heart beats and overall thriving. Yet, she was bleeding. I had interceded on her behalf, on the behalf of the baby...and yet on the June 24th, 18 hours after a good ultrasound, the baby was no longer. The process of sitting in the hospital with her while her husband was away in military training, watching her walk through one of the most difficult moments of her life was heartbreaking, heart wrenching and something I hope we never have to face again. 

After the D&C procedure, I took her home, tucked her into bed and returned to my house. Eric met me at the door and I melted into his arms and sobbed, loud, horrible, heartbreaking sobs. It was if I had lost my own child, but I didn't. I don't have to walk that road like she does, I don't hold the same grief she does, but I do grieve. I grieve for the life lost. I grieve for her and her husband's hurt hearts and sadness.

I have questioned God, I have cried (ugly cries), I have cursed the devil, I have sat quietly and pondered...and I don't have any answers. None. 

I'm usually a person who has answers, who can calmly walk someone through difficult moments in life. Yet, I don't have any answers for this. When I prayed, i didn't have any doubts in my mind that her body would be healed and the blood would stop flowing and the baby would be fine. But that's not what happened. 

So what does a person do in times that shake them deeply? Retreat to the secret place. It is here that I find refuge. God alone is my strength. He is my joy. He restores.